my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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