You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
