She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
