I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize