There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
