Soap is not a condiment
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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