she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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