Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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