Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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