Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
