I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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