So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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