I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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