I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you win again, gameday.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
