i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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