So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
