so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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