I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
