Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
