there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
