What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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