Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
