great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
