Even my vagina gasped.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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