is your mom at the bar?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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