The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
