what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
