I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
