my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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