She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
