I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
