I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
