I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
