Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
