In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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