That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
