And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
