The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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