Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
