In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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