Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
