I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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