Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
