You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
