when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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