im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
