Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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