She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
