you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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