I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
