Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
