I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
