I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
