the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
