um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
