if i can run in heels then i can drive
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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