I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
