Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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