This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
