You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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