i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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