Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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