We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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