i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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