I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
