I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
