We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
